About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I met the friendliest cop last night
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
