He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
