y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
