I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
