dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
