You really coming over, don't trick.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
