You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
