dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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