hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
