Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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