Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
