My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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