you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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