wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
