Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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