So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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