I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
