and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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