my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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