if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
