it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
