worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
