He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
