I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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