I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
