The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
