apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
