I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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