Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
