I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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