so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
