I think my vagina is haunted
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
