you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
