How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
