Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
