i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
