Christians are straight up FREAKS
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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