Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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