I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it hurts more in the daytime
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
