Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
