Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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