I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
