Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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