Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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