Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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