Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
