Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
