Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
