i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
