Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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